Have I sought enough, fought enough, longed enough.
You have put up, held up, restored, set free.
And who am I that You love me.
I have ran, given in, let go, and disgraced.
Yet You have chased, held tight, and embraced.
And who am I that You consume me
Selfishness, is not a trait I lack,
I want more than I need, Feel more than I trust
And still You love, even as I come undone.
And who am I that You chase when I run
Your bigger than me, greater in my world
Faithful, Constant, Strong when I am weak.
And who am I that You embrace me at your feet.
I'm undeserving, unwilling, stubborn, unchanged.
My sins repeat, my flesh I please.
And it's that you love, when I have given in, can't breathe.
Who am I that You set me free.
Broken and breaking, lost, of no use.
Beautiful, Resilient, Strong, made new.
Who am I that I have been changed by You.
And it's your gentle whisper, the strongest love.
What keeps me going when I have given up.
It's that faith I can't see, It's those arms holding me.
It's that calm in the storm, the peace through the night.
That passionate determination to chase you with all my might.
And you are there, you've been there every time.
When I'm hurting, and You are the only one who sees...
Who am I that you are mindful of me.
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Sunday, October 10, 2010
We are not alone.
So many questions, so many doubts, so many fears, but mostly questions, mostly whys?
Why me, Why this, Why now, Why not. Or maybe even Whens? When will this stop hurting? When will this storm be over, When will i hear your voice again?
In the midst of some of the most difficult trials of our lives we stand what feels like completly alone offering God all our questions all our doubts. Wondering will it be like this forever. And instead of standing on GOds word we use it as amunition to throw in Gods face as if our mess our storms have somehow become to big for Him to handle. And in abscence of peace the very faith the very foundation we once used to call down fire from heaven, the very thing that healed our pasts and gave us new life, all of it seems almost unreal, like it never happened, too far to hold on too in this storm.
So what then. When we are broken lost, when we have cried out when we have searched his word when we have tried to just be still and listen, when we have just put our heads down and walked through it just believing that it would get better. So then what when all this and you still find yourself where you started. Then what.
We search for answers, seek council, we can collect all these wise answers, be prayed over prayed for sought after, when can fight, cry, kick and scream. We can offer up our praise in the midst of a trial.
Try it all, everything...and still we wake up, thinking, hoping, praying things will be different. That we will feel that life again, that joy, His ultimate peace. But instead we are confronted with the emptiness thats been haunting us for days, maybe weeks, maybe months, maybe years.
And so here I am, not just me but i know there are others, At the end of our rope nowhere else to turn no words to be given, we're just here and its just hard.
So as discouraging as that all sounds, theres something that I know. The enemy wants to see me fail, to see me fall, to give up. but theres something in me that refuses to give in. Once upon a time i commited my life to a God who I know beyond circumstance exists, and No matter what, come literal Hell or highwater there is no direction i could be pulled that would ever tear me away from my God. So, although things do not "feel" better, my circumstances have not changed I have to believe that God above all else sees my faithfulness to him. And I have to believe that WE will overcome. No matter where we are no matter what small inconvenient circumstance has brought us to our knees time and time again, I know that I Know that I know, that He is real. And every day no matter how i feel i will choose to "get up" and move forward. And as i do ill remember the words to "believe"....
It's getting closer
Believe it's coming
Around the corner
You're gonna make it
Take a look at all the places that He brought you from.
It's the impossible
Believe it's possible
You won't believe where I came from
Believe in Grace
Why me, Why this, Why now, Why not. Or maybe even Whens? When will this stop hurting? When will this storm be over, When will i hear your voice again?
In the midst of some of the most difficult trials of our lives we stand what feels like completly alone offering God all our questions all our doubts. Wondering will it be like this forever. And instead of standing on GOds word we use it as amunition to throw in Gods face as if our mess our storms have somehow become to big for Him to handle. And in abscence of peace the very faith the very foundation we once used to call down fire from heaven, the very thing that healed our pasts and gave us new life, all of it seems almost unreal, like it never happened, too far to hold on too in this storm.
So what then. When we are broken lost, when we have cried out when we have searched his word when we have tried to just be still and listen, when we have just put our heads down and walked through it just believing that it would get better. So then what when all this and you still find yourself where you started. Then what.
We search for answers, seek council, we can collect all these wise answers, be prayed over prayed for sought after, when can fight, cry, kick and scream. We can offer up our praise in the midst of a trial.
Try it all, everything...and still we wake up, thinking, hoping, praying things will be different. That we will feel that life again, that joy, His ultimate peace. But instead we are confronted with the emptiness thats been haunting us for days, maybe weeks, maybe months, maybe years.
And so here I am, not just me but i know there are others, At the end of our rope nowhere else to turn no words to be given, we're just here and its just hard.
So as discouraging as that all sounds, theres something that I know. The enemy wants to see me fail, to see me fall, to give up. but theres something in me that refuses to give in. Once upon a time i commited my life to a God who I know beyond circumstance exists, and No matter what, come literal Hell or highwater there is no direction i could be pulled that would ever tear me away from my God. So, although things do not "feel" better, my circumstances have not changed I have to believe that God above all else sees my faithfulness to him. And I have to believe that WE will overcome. No matter where we are no matter what small inconvenient circumstance has brought us to our knees time and time again, I know that I Know that I know, that He is real. And every day no matter how i feel i will choose to "get up" and move forward. And as i do ill remember the words to "believe"....
It's getting closer
Believe it's coming
Around the corner
You're gonna make it
Take a look at all the places that He brought you from.
It's the impossible
Believe it's possible
You won't believe where I came from
Believe in Grace
Maybe if you heard me scream
I cant feel and I cant sleep, I cant write I cant eat.
And im desperate and longing lonely and scared
I don’t know direction and I fear your no longer there
Like you’ve left me with my thoughts my lies and foolish heart
And the tears they choke me before they hit the floor and im searching but I don’t even know what Im looking for
But what happens if I give up what happens if I just let go
Cause ive searched everywhere and I don’t know where to run anymore
And im just tired so tired of this emptiness, of this loss
Theres a big hole in me, and it makes a hollow sound
I don’t want to live this way alone and afraid
I just need to breathe I just need to see
And who are they them who did this to me
Left me blinded, drowning me
And sometimes its just hard, sometimes it just is
And I need that comfort I just do, I need you.
I don’t even remember the joy, the freedom of your life
Caught in the suffering, taken out by the grief
God I don’t know who this is but I know its not me.
I don’t hang my head, I don’t give up.
I don’t ever just give in to being stuck
So why have you left me here in this place
Where is my heart, what happened to safe
I know theres more, I know theres hope
But I don’t have the strength to open my eyes
And ive lost the compassion to love
Rescue me from these aching knees.
And maybe if you heard me scream
And im desperate and longing lonely and scared
I don’t know direction and I fear your no longer there
Like you’ve left me with my thoughts my lies and foolish heart
And the tears they choke me before they hit the floor and im searching but I don’t even know what Im looking for
But what happens if I give up what happens if I just let go
Cause ive searched everywhere and I don’t know where to run anymore
And im just tired so tired of this emptiness, of this loss
Theres a big hole in me, and it makes a hollow sound
I don’t want to live this way alone and afraid
I just need to breathe I just need to see
And who are they them who did this to me
Left me blinded, drowning me
And sometimes its just hard, sometimes it just is
And I need that comfort I just do, I need you.
I don’t even remember the joy, the freedom of your life
Caught in the suffering, taken out by the grief
God I don’t know who this is but I know its not me.
I don’t hang my head, I don’t give up.
I don’t ever just give in to being stuck
So why have you left me here in this place
Where is my heart, what happened to safe
I know theres more, I know theres hope
But I don’t have the strength to open my eyes
And ive lost the compassion to love
Rescue me from these aching knees.
And maybe if you heard me scream
Crashing
I have known faith like some could not believe, some could not see.
And my heart has kept secrets, of your love, of your strength of your truth.
And i have stood when they are on their knees
i have bared the weight and held it high.
Screamed for the empty, and broke for the wretched.
I have drawn closer so that they might see you.
I've gone deeper so they might Know you.
and Ive seen you turn them around, heal the hurting.
Snatch back they're lives, and its beautiful to see the hearts we helped survive, God you and I.
But what happens when it all comes crashing down.
My faith is gone my knees are weak and im empty now.
And my prayers are drowned out by the tears in my throat.
and im lost, just tryin to help tryin to hold on
and i keep running keep grasping, reaching for something
and im stuck
Its beauty all around, they, who we helped i can hear they're songs
they're singing to you now, songs of praise and redemption, hope and strength.
And something about they're songs shatters the strength in me.
Ive poured out and now im empty.
im left here now with not much to give.
so fill me up God cause i don't want to hear They're song end.
I want to help them sing! I want to help them Live.
And my heart has kept secrets, of your love, of your strength of your truth.
And i have stood when they are on their knees
i have bared the weight and held it high.
Screamed for the empty, and broke for the wretched.
I have drawn closer so that they might see you.
I've gone deeper so they might Know you.
and Ive seen you turn them around, heal the hurting.
Snatch back they're lives, and its beautiful to see the hearts we helped survive, God you and I.
But what happens when it all comes crashing down.
My faith is gone my knees are weak and im empty now.
And my prayers are drowned out by the tears in my throat.
and im lost, just tryin to help tryin to hold on
and i keep running keep grasping, reaching for something
and im stuck
Its beauty all around, they, who we helped i can hear they're songs
they're singing to you now, songs of praise and redemption, hope and strength.
And something about they're songs shatters the strength in me.
Ive poured out and now im empty.
im left here now with not much to give.
so fill me up God cause i don't want to hear They're song end.
I want to help them sing! I want to help them Live.
Back to you.
You are my strength when im falling apart
You breathe new life in--to this broken heart
And I am so fragile now
Trying to let this go
Finding out who you are
In the midst my selfish storms
Darkness is creeping home like a shadowed soul
Hope keeps is distance now, lingering far from me
Trying hold on step where I cant see
So Bring me back bring back to you
Bring me back to the heart where it started
Bring me back bring me back to you
back to your love, and beyond it
Faithful and Jealous for my heart, for my all
You are the hands that have always caught me when I fall
Dreaming and searching you fill my every need
Simply the air I breathe you are my everything, yes you are my everything
So Bring me back bring back to you
Bring me back to the heart where it started
Bring me back bring me back to you
back to your love, and beyond it
And I can feel the air begin to thicken as my wings begin to soar
You take me up to where you are, show what this mess has been for
Yes you take me up to where you are, where you are, where you are….
So Bring me back bring back to you
Bring me back to the heart where it started
Bring me back bring me back to you
back to your love, and beyond it
You breathe new life in--to this broken heart
And I am so fragile now
Trying to let this go
Finding out who you are
In the midst my selfish storms
Darkness is creeping home like a shadowed soul
Hope keeps is distance now, lingering far from me
Trying hold on step where I cant see
So Bring me back bring back to you
Bring me back to the heart where it started
Bring me back bring me back to you
back to your love, and beyond it
Faithful and Jealous for my heart, for my all
You are the hands that have always caught me when I fall
Dreaming and searching you fill my every need
Simply the air I breathe you are my everything, yes you are my everything
So Bring me back bring back to you
Bring me back to the heart where it started
Bring me back bring me back to you
back to your love, and beyond it
And I can feel the air begin to thicken as my wings begin to soar
You take me up to where you are, show what this mess has been for
Yes you take me up to where you are, where you are, where you are….
So Bring me back bring back to you
Bring me back to the heart where it started
Bring me back bring me back to you
back to your love, and beyond it
Wrap around porch, and lemonade.
We all have dreams, things we want to accomplish, our ideal future. More often then not however we hold onto these things embarrassed to share with anybody the honest simplicity of what our hearts really want. But ive been thinking a lot lately that the things that i so strongly desire for my life were surely placed there by God alone, because only he could give me such vision of a life that just brings me peace. If i had to title my dream, my desires, it would be wrap around porch, and lemonade. My dream is to be a wife and a mom. I've never had a family i dont know what it is to be able to run into my parents bed when its storming outside or cry in a daddy's arms when a boy has broken my heart, but i know i want to begin that somewhere. I want to be beautiful and captivating to my husband. I want my children to never doubt my love for them, not even for a second. Most of all i want to live in a place i can retreat to . Somewhere comfortable warm, somewhere anyone could call home. I want a big wrap around porch with a porch swing. I want Sunday afternoons to be family time. I want a big yard, and a dog and a horse. I want to make life simple for people. For my children to enjoy being kids, not having to worry about a thing. These are my simple desires the hope i have for something beautiful and beyond me. And when the vision of such things dance in my head its narrated by soulful music picture by picture drawing a warm smile out of me. On my bad days when im not sure what everything has been for i hold tightly to my wrap around porch and lemonade. I like to think its Gods gift to me, the hope that one day amidst all the trials ill have a retreat to simplicity in the form of Family!
Desperation
Praise is different when sang in the midst of a storm
And pain is nothing when felt in your arms
Devotion seems simple when im blinded by life
Theres nowhere else I could run not anywhere I would survive
And why is it all so hard why cant it makes sense
The whys all mean less when God’s hands in it
Trusting is easy when theres nothing to lose
So Dear God with all my heart help me trust you
God you can break me ruin me tear me apart
But please not my family don’t toy with there hearts
You see because they don’t know you like I do they don’t know where to turn
And im afraid they’ll give up if they keep being burned
And God im pleading now that you’ll take care of all of this
No matter what you require of me whatever I have to risk
My love is with them and I have no control
So please calm the storm begin to make things whole
I know piece by piece you have the power to complete
And step by step you can give eyes to see
So here my prayer before you a mess at your feet
Asking you to heal my family
Do a work where I have let go
Do them impossible so in the end we will know
All glory be to him who sits on the throne.
God I know your out there even though this rain is cold and I feel so alone.
And pain is nothing when felt in your arms
Devotion seems simple when im blinded by life
Theres nowhere else I could run not anywhere I would survive
And why is it all so hard why cant it makes sense
The whys all mean less when God’s hands in it
Trusting is easy when theres nothing to lose
So Dear God with all my heart help me trust you
God you can break me ruin me tear me apart
But please not my family don’t toy with there hearts
You see because they don’t know you like I do they don’t know where to turn
And im afraid they’ll give up if they keep being burned
And God im pleading now that you’ll take care of all of this
No matter what you require of me whatever I have to risk
My love is with them and I have no control
So please calm the storm begin to make things whole
I know piece by piece you have the power to complete
And step by step you can give eyes to see
So here my prayer before you a mess at your feet
Asking you to heal my family
Do a work where I have let go
Do them impossible so in the end we will know
All glory be to him who sits on the throne.
God I know your out there even though this rain is cold and I feel so alone.
You are far better than I
You make me want so much more than this...more than what this life simply is.
You make me believe in the what could be, the impossibilities, dreaming bigger dreams
and your eyes know a God ive been searching for
Your heart holds a hope my faiths been fighting towards
And you cannot see the way i know you the way i understand
Understand your every movement for a purpose beyond yourself
every desire pursued to save the heart of someonelse
and its beautiful the faith you give hope you have restored
it amazes how you live so completely unaware that your life speaks for those who have lived unspoken for
Its amazing your worship not selfish or in Vain, but for Him and Him alone
I can see the heavens open up to embrace your praise
Not because of who you are but who He is in you
And i could sing your praise everyday about how completely devoted you are
not to any person not to any empty worldly thing but to your God
A relationship hard to find a devotion a love a faith none can touch
All because you know that this world will never be enough
Your grace is infinite, each word carefully thought yet spoken with such ease
Not living flippantly but intentionally in every path you see
And your life... to know you, requires something i cant reach
to feel those things that make you you, thats where i want to be
Closer to the heart that beats for the king alone
drawn into the eyes that speak God's peaceful tone
colored inside bound by your lines i want your dreams to require my life
i can only hope i can only pray
that you find a heart so so completely undeserving to fulfill who you are some day.
You make me believe in the what could be, the impossibilities, dreaming bigger dreams
and your eyes know a God ive been searching for
Your heart holds a hope my faiths been fighting towards
And you cannot see the way i know you the way i understand
Understand your every movement for a purpose beyond yourself
every desire pursued to save the heart of someonelse
and its beautiful the faith you give hope you have restored
it amazes how you live so completely unaware that your life speaks for those who have lived unspoken for
Its amazing your worship not selfish or in Vain, but for Him and Him alone
I can see the heavens open up to embrace your praise
Not because of who you are but who He is in you
And i could sing your praise everyday about how completely devoted you are
not to any person not to any empty worldly thing but to your God
A relationship hard to find a devotion a love a faith none can touch
All because you know that this world will never be enough
Your grace is infinite, each word carefully thought yet spoken with such ease
Not living flippantly but intentionally in every path you see
And your life... to know you, requires something i cant reach
to feel those things that make you you, thats where i want to be
Closer to the heart that beats for the king alone
drawn into the eyes that speak God's peaceful tone
colored inside bound by your lines i want your dreams to require my life
i can only hope i can only pray
that you find a heart so so completely undeserving to fulfill who you are some day.
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