Some write Psalms...

There’s something in me that seems to be losing grip and I’m losing you now
It wasn’t supposed to end like this. You were it I felt it in my bones, my very being knew we were meant for something more.

I can feel it in my pit at my heart; in my soul I need your song. So, why I have I lost, why is this gone.
And I wanna shake you, forcefully in my release...can’t you feel it….this can’t just be me
It’s all too big, and it’s all too much.
Cause when I see your face It’s not you that I see, It’s the very face of God, as a man, and you as He.
And I can see his love written all over you, for his purpose you were marked. His blood is etched in your soul. And that’s how I know, your not just any man…This I know I know your not.
Why else would I recognize, why could only I see, the very best of you could be for the worst of me.
Your words are heavy like an anchor on my heart, and yet here I stand barely holding on, falling apart.

And I wanna shake you , can’t you feel it too!?
It’s more than you think I can feel it in the depths of me. And may I be so bold to say that to God on my knees I have begged I have screamed
To take this from me I don’t want it anymore, for some other women, not me my flesh is torn, and I am weak…I can’t just sit and wait for you to see me.

Oh how I see you, how I see you and I know. Man of God, you have fought, you may fall. But, theres a target on your life, one I know all to well. That there will be battle to win you, a literal war raging from hell.
And I ask you, If I could shake you…just shake you, you must feel it too.

I feel like im losing, like it’s slipping now, and I have never let go of something so many times and every time I open my fist God closes it just in time….time enough for him to whisper wait…whisper where is your faith.

But what now, when all seems to falling apart, How can I wait God, how can I wait for him to see. The eyes you have given me is not the same sight that has plagued his being, but oh how it has plagued me like a sickness like a pain, flesh tearing, heart breaking, uneasy, running, screaming, fearing, BEAUTIFUL pain.
It wasn’t supposed to end like this, not where I sit now. This wasn’t in the picture, that twisted portrait of faith. This isn’t safe.

And what’s left of me, another mess on my knees wrapped seamlessly in your arms crying to break free. Clearly there’s a piece of him I need, God I am scared, alone, and I’m here.

God could you shake him, could you just shake him…He has to feel it too.

God Encounters

So a friend of mine today posted the lyrics to a song bye Matt Kearney today and it kinda lit something inside me. I took pieces of the song that really struck a chord with me and they went as follows....



And I won't back down

Doesn't matter what comes crashing down

I'm still gonna stand my solid ground



And you found me once and for all

I laid it down in the sinking ground

The hopeless undertow



Singing out the gentle sound

Rattling through my smoking screens

My broken dreams last night



And I sing hallelujah ripped through my veins

I heard the hammer drop

My blood in the rain

Sing hallelujah came like a train

When all is lost, all is left to gain



"I sing hallelujah ripped through my veins."

God has been doing an incredible amount in my heart lately and this very lyric probably encompasses, every thought, every feeling, every desperate cry I have had in the past couple weeks.

God has been provoking my heart to seek out nothing but what stands before me in the midst of my circumstances, which is Him and Him alone. And in my desperation for answers, trying to find a place, a future, trying to define my purpose, God's spirit has met me and set fire to the things that once mattered. I have recently become consumed with temporary shallow things. The enemy has set my feet in a comfortable place and set my eyes on the future, finding a relationship, money, a career. I have been consumed with budgeting, and planning, and everything the world finds necessary for "success" But in the midst of all my worldly preparations I had never been more discontent in my life. And that is where this fire started. "I sing hallelujah ripped through my veins"



My spirit has cried out for more of God and nothing of this world, I don't want to lead a life that makes sense or can be defined. And to be alone with God for the rest of my life is the most intimate fulfilling relationship I will ever know. I want my spirit to speak life to those who need direction. I desire to learn, to listen, to love, and be consumed by the power of God. Not to question who I am or where I am going, but to know my God guides my every step. No need to defend a single move, knowing that my army, He is bigger than my opposition. To see those who I come in contact with changed by the spirit of God, and for my focus to never leave the cross. Not a single thing that I gain on this earth will be more than temporary, so I pray that my soul seeks the kingdom, and my heart seeks for those who are in need. And, I'm sick of quiet still prayers that barely reach the heavens. I want to cry out with my being the words the make hell tremble itself. I want evil to fear the day I stood up and stopped feeling sorry for myself. And I want God to be proud of his daughter and know he can trust me beyond me trusting myself. I want earth to tremble at the step of my feet and the heavens to embrace the move of my hands. Because I know I have been created for bigger than safe, set apart for more than this comfort.

And yet, I know all these things I desire for me are impossible without all of Him and so...



"I sing hallelujah ripped through my veins"

Wasting

I am learning the taste of freedom, weightlessness under these chains.

You do not bind me here, simply working with my broken remains.

I feel like I haven't seen tasted felt for so long.

The freedom you offered, the love in your song.



But I'm learning to taste the aching, the aching in your heart.

How broken you must be when I'm falling apart.

Only to see me turn, only to feel me run

Navigate myself back to where I belong.



I'm learning, the wanting, the needing, the pain.

I'm learning its really not worth living this way.

There's more to all of it and i long to be consumed.

Relinquishing my strength, I give it all back to you.



You wont battle for my attention, I already have your love.

Tired of trying exhausting my spirit, what I have will never be enough.



And I'm learning to fail, learning to fall,

But really I have learned most of all.



You are faithful God, despite when I'm desperate, despite when I run.

And as I strive and fight trying to make new,

All I ever needed was your hands, pure and true.



Soul revival, fresh spirit, new touch.

I pray that the nothing I have to offer is more than enough.



And I am learning that your love is bigger than me.

Bigger than these hands, bigger than my dreams.

And my future I can't see, not even a step ahead of me.

But I know you are greater, and stronger, and more.

And I'm learning to stop fighting, unless it's you I'm fighting for