Some write Psalms...

There’s something in me that seems to be losing grip and I’m losing you now
It wasn’t supposed to end like this. You were it I felt it in my bones, my very being knew we were meant for something more.

I can feel it in my pit at my heart; in my soul I need your song. So, why I have I lost, why is this gone.
And I wanna shake you, forcefully in my release...can’t you feel it….this can’t just be me
It’s all too big, and it’s all too much.
Cause when I see your face It’s not you that I see, It’s the very face of God, as a man, and you as He.
And I can see his love written all over you, for his purpose you were marked. His blood is etched in your soul. And that’s how I know, your not just any man…This I know I know your not.
Why else would I recognize, why could only I see, the very best of you could be for the worst of me.
Your words are heavy like an anchor on my heart, and yet here I stand barely holding on, falling apart.

And I wanna shake you , can’t you feel it too!?
It’s more than you think I can feel it in the depths of me. And may I be so bold to say that to God on my knees I have begged I have screamed
To take this from me I don’t want it anymore, for some other women, not me my flesh is torn, and I am weak…I can’t just sit and wait for you to see me.

Oh how I see you, how I see you and I know. Man of God, you have fought, you may fall. But, theres a target on your life, one I know all to well. That there will be battle to win you, a literal war raging from hell.
And I ask you, If I could shake you…just shake you, you must feel it too.

I feel like im losing, like it’s slipping now, and I have never let go of something so many times and every time I open my fist God closes it just in time….time enough for him to whisper wait…whisper where is your faith.

But what now, when all seems to falling apart, How can I wait God, how can I wait for him to see. The eyes you have given me is not the same sight that has plagued his being, but oh how it has plagued me like a sickness like a pain, flesh tearing, heart breaking, uneasy, running, screaming, fearing, BEAUTIFUL pain.
It wasn’t supposed to end like this, not where I sit now. This wasn’t in the picture, that twisted portrait of faith. This isn’t safe.

And what’s left of me, another mess on my knees wrapped seamlessly in your arms crying to break free. Clearly there’s a piece of him I need, God I am scared, alone, and I’m here.

God could you shake him, could you just shake him…He has to feel it too.

God Encounters

So a friend of mine today posted the lyrics to a song bye Matt Kearney today and it kinda lit something inside me. I took pieces of the song that really struck a chord with me and they went as follows....



And I won't back down

Doesn't matter what comes crashing down

I'm still gonna stand my solid ground



And you found me once and for all

I laid it down in the sinking ground

The hopeless undertow



Singing out the gentle sound

Rattling through my smoking screens

My broken dreams last night



And I sing hallelujah ripped through my veins

I heard the hammer drop

My blood in the rain

Sing hallelujah came like a train

When all is lost, all is left to gain



"I sing hallelujah ripped through my veins."

God has been doing an incredible amount in my heart lately and this very lyric probably encompasses, every thought, every feeling, every desperate cry I have had in the past couple weeks.

God has been provoking my heart to seek out nothing but what stands before me in the midst of my circumstances, which is Him and Him alone. And in my desperation for answers, trying to find a place, a future, trying to define my purpose, God's spirit has met me and set fire to the things that once mattered. I have recently become consumed with temporary shallow things. The enemy has set my feet in a comfortable place and set my eyes on the future, finding a relationship, money, a career. I have been consumed with budgeting, and planning, and everything the world finds necessary for "success" But in the midst of all my worldly preparations I had never been more discontent in my life. And that is where this fire started. "I sing hallelujah ripped through my veins"



My spirit has cried out for more of God and nothing of this world, I don't want to lead a life that makes sense or can be defined. And to be alone with God for the rest of my life is the most intimate fulfilling relationship I will ever know. I want my spirit to speak life to those who need direction. I desire to learn, to listen, to love, and be consumed by the power of God. Not to question who I am or where I am going, but to know my God guides my every step. No need to defend a single move, knowing that my army, He is bigger than my opposition. To see those who I come in contact with changed by the spirit of God, and for my focus to never leave the cross. Not a single thing that I gain on this earth will be more than temporary, so I pray that my soul seeks the kingdom, and my heart seeks for those who are in need. And, I'm sick of quiet still prayers that barely reach the heavens. I want to cry out with my being the words the make hell tremble itself. I want evil to fear the day I stood up and stopped feeling sorry for myself. And I want God to be proud of his daughter and know he can trust me beyond me trusting myself. I want earth to tremble at the step of my feet and the heavens to embrace the move of my hands. Because I know I have been created for bigger than safe, set apart for more than this comfort.

And yet, I know all these things I desire for me are impossible without all of Him and so...



"I sing hallelujah ripped through my veins"

Wasting

I am learning the taste of freedom, weightlessness under these chains.

You do not bind me here, simply working with my broken remains.

I feel like I haven't seen tasted felt for so long.

The freedom you offered, the love in your song.



But I'm learning to taste the aching, the aching in your heart.

How broken you must be when I'm falling apart.

Only to see me turn, only to feel me run

Navigate myself back to where I belong.



I'm learning, the wanting, the needing, the pain.

I'm learning its really not worth living this way.

There's more to all of it and i long to be consumed.

Relinquishing my strength, I give it all back to you.



You wont battle for my attention, I already have your love.

Tired of trying exhausting my spirit, what I have will never be enough.



And I'm learning to fail, learning to fall,

But really I have learned most of all.



You are faithful God, despite when I'm desperate, despite when I run.

And as I strive and fight trying to make new,

All I ever needed was your hands, pure and true.



Soul revival, fresh spirit, new touch.

I pray that the nothing I have to offer is more than enough.



And I am learning that your love is bigger than me.

Bigger than these hands, bigger than my dreams.

And my future I can't see, not even a step ahead of me.

But I know you are greater, and stronger, and more.

And I'm learning to stop fighting, unless it's you I'm fighting for

Who am I that You are mindful of me.

Have I sought enough, fought enough, longed enough.

You have put up, held up, restored, set free.

And who am I that You love me.



I have ran, given in, let go, and disgraced.

Yet You have chased, held tight, and embraced.

And who am I that You consume me



Selfishness, is not a trait I lack,

I want more than I need, Feel more than I trust

And still You love, even as I come undone.

And who am I that You chase when I run



Your bigger than me, greater in my world

Faithful, Constant, Strong when I am weak.

And who am I that You embrace me at your feet.



I'm undeserving, unwilling, stubborn, unchanged.

My sins repeat, my flesh I please.

And it's that you love, when I have given in, can't breathe.

Who am I that You set me free.



Broken and breaking, lost, of no use.

Beautiful, Resilient, Strong, made new.

Who am I that I have been changed by You.





And it's your gentle whisper, the strongest love.

What keeps me going when I have given up.

It's that faith I can't see, It's those arms holding me.

It's that calm in the storm, the peace through the night.

That passionate determination to chase you with all my might.

And you are there, you've been there every time.

When I'm hurting, and You are the only one who sees...



Who am I that you are mindful of me.

We are not alone.

So many questions, so many doubts, so many fears, but mostly questions, mostly whys?
Why me, Why this, Why now, Why not. Or maybe even Whens? When will this stop hurting? When will this storm be over, When will i hear your voice again?

In the midst of some of the most difficult trials of our lives we stand what feels like completly alone offering God all our questions all our doubts. Wondering will it be like this forever. And instead of standing on GOds word we use it as amunition to throw in Gods face as if our mess our storms have somehow become to big for Him to handle. And in abscence of peace the very faith the very foundation we once used to call down fire from heaven, the very thing that healed our pasts and gave us new life, all of it seems almost unreal, like it never happened, too far to hold on too in this storm.

So what then. When we are broken lost, when we have cried out when we have searched his word when we have tried to just be still and listen, when we have just put our heads down and walked through it just believing that it would get better. So then what when all this and you still find yourself where you started. Then what.

We search for answers, seek council, we can collect all these wise answers, be prayed over prayed for sought after, when can fight, cry, kick and scream. We can offer up our praise in the midst of a trial.
Try it all, everything...and still we wake up, thinking, hoping, praying things will be different. That we will feel that life again, that joy, His ultimate peace. But instead we are confronted with the emptiness thats been haunting us for days, maybe weeks, maybe months, maybe years.

And so here I am, not just me but i know there are others, At the end of our rope nowhere else to turn no words to be given, we're just here and its just hard.

So as discouraging as that all sounds, theres something that I know. The enemy wants to see me fail, to see me fall, to give up. but theres something in me that refuses to give in. Once upon a time i commited my life to a God who I know beyond circumstance exists, and No matter what, come literal Hell or highwater there is no direction i could be pulled that would ever tear me away from my God. So, although things do not "feel" better, my circumstances have not changed I have to believe that God above all else sees my faithfulness to him. And I have to believe that WE will overcome. No matter where we are no matter what small inconvenient circumstance has brought us to our knees time and time again, I know that I Know that I know, that He is real. And every day no matter how i feel i will choose to "get up" and move forward. And as i do ill remember the words to "believe"....


It's getting closer
Believe it's coming
Around the corner
You're gonna make it

Take a look at all the places that He brought you from.
It's the impossible
Believe it's possible

You won't believe where I came from
Believe in Grace

Maybe if you heard me scream

I cant feel and I cant sleep, I cant write I cant eat.
And im desperate and longing lonely and scared
I don’t know direction and I fear your no longer there
Like you’ve left me with my thoughts my lies and foolish heart
And the tears they choke me before they hit the floor and im searching but I don’t even know what Im looking for
But what happens if I give up what happens if I just let go
Cause ive searched everywhere and I don’t know where to run anymore
And im just tired so tired of this emptiness, of this loss
Theres a big hole in me, and it makes a hollow sound
I don’t want to live this way alone and afraid
I just need to breathe I just need to see
And who are they them who did this to me
Left me blinded, drowning me
And sometimes its just hard, sometimes it just is
And I need that comfort I just do, I need you.
I don’t even remember the joy, the freedom of your life
Caught in the suffering, taken out by the grief
God I don’t know who this is but I know its not me.
I don’t hang my head, I don’t give up.
I don’t ever just give in to being stuck
So why have you left me here in this place
Where is my heart, what happened to safe
I know theres more, I know theres hope
But I don’t have the strength to open my eyes
And ive lost the compassion to love
Rescue me from these aching knees.
And maybe if you heard me scream

Crashing

I have known faith like some could not believe, some could not see.
And my heart has kept secrets, of your love, of your strength of your truth.
And i have stood when they are on their knees
i have bared the weight and held it high.
Screamed for the empty, and broke for the wretched.
I have drawn closer so that they might see you.
I've gone deeper so they might Know you.
and Ive seen you turn them around, heal the hurting.
Snatch back they're lives, and its beautiful to see the hearts we helped survive, God you and I.

But what happens when it all comes crashing down.
My faith is gone my knees are weak and im empty now.
And my prayers are drowned out by the tears in my throat.
and im lost, just tryin to help tryin to hold on
and i keep running keep grasping, reaching for something
and im stuck

Its beauty all around, they, who we helped i can hear they're songs
they're singing to you now, songs of praise and redemption, hope and strength.
And something about they're songs shatters the strength in me.
Ive poured out and now im empty.

im left here now with not much to give.
so fill me up God cause i don't want to hear They're song end.
I want to help them sing! I want to help them Live.