Inevitably saved by grace.

So often i come to the conclusion that it is only in the times where I'm at my weakest point so broken so confused so alone, it is there where i find the deepest most intimate moments with God the ones that help me realize what it is all for, why i continue follow the faith i do.
On this day i had a moment just like this. ive been battling the feeling of inadequacy, the feeling of wretchedness, not feeling like im not enough for people but feeling as if i have failed God, the only love i have ever been able to depend on and i have failed it. And i have felt so numb for so long repeating the same empty sin finding myself in the same place at the end of it all begging God for freedom, begging him to let me in. It was tonight on my birthday that i realized something had to change, something needed to not be the same. It was on tonight what suppose to be a celebration of my life that i found there was something in me that was so empty, and i know God and i walk with him and yet there was still this emptiness a painful nagging sense of something missing, and every minute i would hold back the tears as i skid through the day and the evening just trying to hold myself together trying to be strong. At the first sign of alone i broke right there in his arms i let myself weep and feel his heart beating for mine, and through my weeping, he spoke to me first in a verse, the following: For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen...the message states it as this:So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever. As i read that verse my heart began to break and i began to let God into that emptiness as i sat there enveloped in my own tears in heartache so aware of God's presence a song began to play the lyrics were as follows:When my world is caving in / when my hopes are wearing thin / when I'm choking in my sin - Lord, you meet me here. When all around is crashing down, I find myself alive in you. Holy one, renew. When all around is crashing down, I find my spirit crying out. Holy one, consume. When I listen to the fear / when I feel my end is near / when all hope has disappeared - Lord, you meet me here. Will you pour out again? God of mercy, here I am reaching out to you - reaching out for a breakthrough. Father, hear my cry of desperation once again. I look into your eyes - and know a love that has no end. it was like taking the verse God have given me and put it to music made the word of God come alive so beautifully to the lyrics of a song, my heart sank but in a good way it sank back into God and almost instantly it was like a moment of clarity. I realized at the end of the verse it was basically stating that we live not for what we can see here on earth, rather for the "unseen", the song that so perfectly danced in the background while i was wrapping my heart and thoughts around that verse was being sung by the "Glorious Unseen". They sing about grace and love, about hard times, trials, fears, failure, and in every lyric i can here there cry for God for his intimacy, just to be close to Him, just to be close to Him. My clarity in all of that was this, and although it may sound simple it's the truth i found on this night. I am not obedient, fulfilled, or complete in my strength, rather i am beautiful, and deeply connected to my supply my lifeline when i am most weak, incapable of anything in my own strength. It is when i feel so far apart and look up anyways, when i feel no presence of God but praise him anyways, its when i shed light on my failures and refuse to let the enemy knock me out with guilt. It is when i have no where else to turn or feel or run to, it is in that emptiness that God meets me, and gives me just enough strength until i find myself there again. Needing Him, every day needing Him!